


Nyphetamine

by Laviente



Series: Enigmatic Disaster [3]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
Genre: Angst, Drama/Melodrama, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, POV First Person, self reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 08:40:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14160999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laviente/pseuds/Laviente
Summary: Another fic that was stemmed in recourse to real life incidents that prompted another self reflection story told PoV from Edward on why his life just keeps feeling empty





	Nyphetamine

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I had done it again. Still old works that I have brought over from FFN. Still, I hope people enjoy this.

_\- Laid to the river_  
_Midsummer, I waved_  
 _A "V" of black swans_  
 _On with hope to the grave A_  
 _And though Red September_  
 _With skies fire-paved_  
 _I begged you appear_  
_Like a thorn for the holy ones -_

**-Cradle of Filth (Lyrics excerpt)**

* * *

Blanketed deep within the barriers of loneliness, the symbolic tradition of abound depression as it follows with its painful recognition, even the thought of it, the way I have become, it's a caustic reality.

Still I continue to wait. Shielded by the one thing I once used to think was my only pathway towards happiness, the one thing I thought would offer me the easiest forms of release, I only find it's now insouciance and cold. Such a dispassionate feeling -  _I can tell that I will find no comfort or sanctuary within this shadowed existence now._  Turned away,  _forgotten_ , left to wallow in regret and pity alone. I see it now. Such is how this darkness is treating me. Like so much has before.

Once again, there is no solace in the feelings so undauntedly wracking their injustice and havoc upon me. Shallow it seems. To be left to such a disarray of feelings. Having been given the one thing that seems to come as only one form of acknowledgement, and that I find is more disregarding then even positive. It seems that I've yet been able to find that one plane of existence I can call my own.

So much has transpired. So much has caused me turmoil and agony. The leading of that leash where grips of reality seem to blend with that fine line of fantasy, I've almost begun to lose sight of just what was truth, and lie. That pseudo comfort, that facade veiling me with its own alluring deception,  _why_  have I become so wound up in the temptations of ultimate promise? Given the reassurance that such a promise made to me would only become fulfilled to learn that I was given nothing more than a false perception to my own desires? Is  _this_  the outcome once again that I am to be left with?

I can't rationalize the reasoning anymore. I've continued to wait. I've put forth the necessary faith to remain as absolute and positive as I am able. And yet again, it just seems that all my determination, my progression and perseverance was all for naught. Or...  _Was it_? I still question my ulterior motives. That if what I am doing is even right. That continuing to wait like this is even worth any rewards now as it seems that the one thing I seek really isn't going to happen. That everything I've even professed I'd do in silent asseveration is all for naught. That what I've committed myself to do is only a waste of my valuable time.

Or time already wasted.

Sure. I know what I need. What would ultimately seer away this empty void and bring me back to that one point in time where I only knew happiness. But why am I being continually dealt with the crushing blows of life's own exodus? Left so tattered and broken to the point where gathering the strength to push myself along is all but impossible. Is this my only option once again, or is there any hope for a better future?

More questions that I ask retain no answers. I keep trying to move forth. Picking myself up and trudging along. Mustering every ounce of vehemence I can to push aside facts and continue to pray for what I've so longed in seeking. That one day, everything will finally change for the better.

Or am I still hoping for an impossible reality?

The forest; I can hear my name whispered among its lush and verdant paradise. Even though the sharp quails of algid wind scrape mercilessly as they sweep through the vegetation and over my bared skin, I don't react discordantly to such a caress. As such a touch that may seem averse, raking its frigid tips over my very being. Somehow, I find that I enjoy the way the night reacts to my own despondent objectives. It's almost as if my masochistic ways are parting any reasoning I had to falter to the most morbid of gratifications one would implore. Almost as if I've completely lost any ability to pertinent to be actuality. I've slowly lost any semblance of being.

Where is this path I am walking, leading me?

Those melodious, bidding words, such hushing sweet nothings into my ear as I continue to run over the very thoughts that come as the most lucid of visuals within my mind. They are such precious and cherished memories, faltering back to my past. Back to when I had it all and everything was so grand. The clairvoyance...  _It's so realistic_. So vibrant. Almost as if I was living the moment at the very present second I was in. Appearing that all around me was nothing but a nightmare, a dream and I'd hopefully, awaken. Only to realize that what I was envisioning what was to be foretold as prevarication.

Being led astray, always led astray.

Somehow, it even frightens me with how bitter and caustic I've allowed myself to become. Not many can understand or fathom what has been driving me towards this dead end road. Maybe no one can. It's almost impossible to even begin to see exactly what has been causing me so much hurt and anguish after all this time. The depth of such a pain has been left untold. I've not found anyone but this soulless darkness to confide in. Not even my own family is aware of exactly how I feel, and how  _deep_  it runs.

Such a potency of emotions, the blistering of their presence as the chemicals rush through my own veins and leave me only with the remnants of perversion and dignity. The claws have embedded so deeply into my flesh, into the very bowels of my soul, which the marks, the scars won't almost ever heal. I am beginning to wonder if any of this is even worth it. That I am hoping for an outcome that won't ever come.

Once I may have believed in such vivid promises. Once, I may've actually believed. But now, as I continue to be shackled by the binds of loneliness, I can't help but lose all fidelity and hope that I so struggled to attain.

_Why is this path I am traveling, littered with rose thorns_?

My own heart begins to slow its rhythmic beating. The draw of the moment, it brings forth that of only the most destructive outcomes, and a hollow of a once energetic and vigilant man now bordering on that of insanity. Even now, to control the intransigent waves as they crash like a torrential storm against my will, it's becoming past the point of feasible. Once again, I am slowly breaking, and  _I_ can't stop it.

Rigid finger tips arise shakily, the suffering plain upon each movement as they come to rest upon the proffered scar running in its perpetual circle along my chest, tracing the lines that curve around the muscles they were engraved upon and I go back to the time when this mark was given to me. The very pain I felt when each needle drive was sent into the tissue to invoke its creation, and in that, earning me a symbolic meaning that permanently attached me to one special being. The serpent swallowing its own tail, the shape of wings resting in grandeur just above its back and the star proclaiming its finalization to eternity; it's this very mark that brings back a deep sense of agony and regret. Its very existence etched within my own being reminding me that once again I am sitting here without him.

I can't explain why. There is just no logic as to why I've been left again and alone to deal with the questions to another separation. I figured after he returned the last time, which everything would mend itself and I could finally rest easy. That all the trepidation was finally over -  _guess I was entirely wrong_.

So many times I ask myself, ' _why_ '? Again what have I done wrong? Isn't there any answer to these plaguing questions? Or am I going to be left with no answers once again?

Is there a reason behind this eccentric collision of bad luck and events?

Will I ever know?

It seems everything is beginning to fading to black and the very notion alone with each new series of afflictions only leads to another succession of wounds gaping within my own heart. I cannot even begin to express just how the level of pain has cost me, or just how terrifying and horrific it's been for me. Like a winter rose left in the rain, I am slowly wilting, my petals are curling from the lack of substantial diffusion needed by his lack of presence. Just him not being around to offer the simplest of empathy, to wrap his arms around me and give me the comfort and protection I need. Just knowing that alone is another wave of blows showing just how broken  _I've_  become.

The fissure that's opened up within my own soul, it's gotten merciless and unforgiving. I seek the release of the pain and pressure amiss the sky that before, held a wondrous beauty all its own. Colors dance, a swirling kaleidoscope of hues coming into a merging of phantasm that seems so surreal, so vibrant and alluring and just the twining of the differences to create and derive other hues all its own. I can marvel at the ability how they are able to come together, despite the differences. It's so commendable. Even in awe I watch. Still, it's a wonder such the same hasn't become tangible for myself.

Even those words that were spoken to me in such a adamant pledge, hearing him tell me the things I thought sealed our binding forever, I still can't forget how  _betrayed_  I feel. Him telling me; ' _I will never leave you Edward. I promise you this_.' Just those strings of words alone, I believed I was finally at my plane of peace. For once, all the past and all the tribulation were abolished and washed away. Serenity had once returned to me, and like a hammer to a nail, it was all taken again in the blink of an eye.

The shards are scattered around my feet. The pieces of my life, my existence, the reflection, the echo of a once grand perfection left frozen and to perish with the hands of time, this is  _how_  I've become.  _How I've been left_. The definition of exactly what I am feeling at this very point is incomprehensible.

Sinuous metal clasped around my own neck, another object to symbolize our everlasting bond, even it offers no relief. The surface is cold,  _unforgiving_ , the chain running off to disappear along the flooring around my own hampered body. I can't even sense his emotions or whereabouts from the mystic connection, despite that he holds the other end, the bracelet that locks our spirits together. It seems  _dead_ , just like my heart as it beats slower and slower to a lugubrious tune. The sorrow is welling over my mind, and I know if I continue like this for much longer, I am heading on for a drastic collision that will ruin the very barriers I placed to ward off this encroaching madness.

Gently I grasp that elongated chain, almost with scrutiny I look it over, the length snaking along the sodden earth and vanishing into the night, just like he did, just like his declaration and love. And I sit in silent bewilderment, constantly mulling over the very reasons that drove him away and always searching for the answers that would finally give me the closure and a peace of mind, ending my own misery and grievance. It's this very need that would give an end to this vicious circle and allow me to end the eternal damnation which has begot me. There is just one final part to the puzzle that would complete my own traumatic down spiral and extinguish purulent demons that have left me brooding for only a pliant release. That's what I've grasped to faith for. Yet, even that seems to be fading away into nothingness.

A hiss surpasses my lips and I can feel the torpid apex of my anger arising. It makes no sense. There is absolutely no believability as to why I'd be so casually abandoned. So simply tossed aside. Forgotten.  _Rejected_. Even the dull ache in my own false limbs; the automail has its own inert weight. The sensory node along the flesh gives no response. Numb it seems. Just like my entire body. The blood, even as I know I am paling, drains slowly from my features. The rush causing its own light-headedness, I know that the stress has become unbearable again. The tenor of my own wailing sobs; even my strength alibis me and I lose even control of my own functionality. Just the image of him crossing my own vision; it paves no way to simplicity. There is only misery now and boding apprehension.

Something inside my own frame of mind tells me that this time, he isn't coming back.

I am a hopeless dreamer biding for the impossible. A fictitious dream meant to only cloud judgment.

_But why_? What have I done so appalling, so disgusting to push him away? What have I done so  
wrong in this world to be condemned to this unrelenting hell as I have been? What evils and atrocities have I committed to that warrants the mistreatment I've received? I thought I was nothing but good. The one thing so desired by the very one that I called my  _soul mate_. The very one I broke down my guard and defenses for, the very same Sin that I opened my own heart up for and called my own. Even though a creature bore of natures wrath, despite our two different origins – him being a homunculus, I forgave him for the wicked things he's done by others. All the sadism and hate, the animosity and plight, I pushed these entire notions aside and accepted him. Just as he did for me. And in the end, we became inseparable.  _Bound_. Tied to one another in a continuity of affection and passion, love and devotion, chastity and bliss.

I thought I had it all. My life had come full circle and everything I could have ever hoped or, I found in him.  _In the Sin of Envy_. Even I, the Fullmetal Alchemist, believed that despite the war which had internally tore me apart, he gave me that semblance of peace and amnesty I so longed and desired for. After having been put through the turmoil and chaos, all the impurity and enmity, I thought I had finally grasped it all. That Envy himself was the ending to this entire dolor I thought I'd never be rid of. That he was the one to finally abolish the demons of my most despised past.

And yet, I am still left simpering upon the floor in my own self-pity and harrow.

_A pathway to the end isn't forthcoming, and doesn't appear it ever will._

Bleakness. The one word to describe the way I feel now. And the very reason I've become so miserable and depressed. Nothing can manage to break the chain if I don't have him there to pull me from this suffocating state. Even as I try to scream, to release all the pent up conniption I've bottled up after so long. The constancy of the pressure, I can't even begin to muster the energy. Silent mourning as wordless sobs become the only sounds captured inside this loneliness circumscribing me, the weight of realization invokes my own judgment. Compelling me to question why I should even continue? Why even bother? That I should just give up on ever receiving what I've so prayed would finally answer my beckon and return to me. That all I am doing is simply burning my fuel for something never to even become possible.

Being alone, it scares me.  _Petrifies me_. Seers me to the very core. Just the notion; it is something I know I can't bear. And yet, I am drowning in my own anguish from the separation alone. I don't know how to contend. I can't deal. This destructive state is having everlasting repercussions. And with such an outcome, the aftermath itself leaves the most bitter of tastes upon one's own tongue.

I want to touch him once again, as deeply as I wish for Envy to once again, be at my side to feel his body next to mine. Have his lips capture my own during the most sensual and intimate of moments. To run my own talons through those long silken and effeminate tresses, to find my own sanctuary and protection as those beautiful amethysts watch over me and pull me into the allure, even to feel his breath dust over my own rippling flesh, such seems but a dull and distant memory now. Reality having its own sadistic and cruel twist and the swirling waters pull me under to envelope me within its own hazed blackness. Such is the end result of his absence.  _I can barely breathe_. Even though I try to disallow the past to dig its clutches deeper into me, I can't help but falter, and with it, my own will and virility.

Even myself I know I can't continue on in this struggle, forever.

I wish you were here. I wish you could see me now. Even as I break and lapse into my own throws of heartache. The catastrophe your mysterious disappearance has left upon me. All this and more I wish  _you_ could witness. Just for you to know how hurt I've become would award me with some sense of repose. To grant me the exculpation I so deserve.

I can't help but even wonder if you even think of me, Envy? Do I cross your mind? What about the thought of our children? Does that even take into account? Does their vitality even matter to you? Even as much as my own?

As much as I love you, as much as I want you back, I can't wait forever. I won't sit idly for the rest of my life and wait for you in hopes you will return. As hard as I am trying, the drive that continues to push me onward, I need you. I need you more than ever. Without you to support me, your strength and determination, I won't make it. The longer I am forced to wait for something that may never come; I will only falter further and further into disillusion. My own walls are slowly crumbling, and without you to mend them and bring me from this ungodly state, I will only surely die. It's at my own weakest point now where your own strength is ultimately needed. To have your strong hand pull me from these swirling waters and return air to my lungs -  _I don't want to drown without you_. I don't want to travel this desolate road alone. But will you ever return? Do I matter enough for that to even be considered?

There are people who miss you as much as I do. Even our kids ask ' _when is mommy coming home_ '? And I have no answers to give them. I can see the sorrow in their eyes, and I try to comfort them despite the fact I need you, so do they. We need you in our lives. I need my dear husband, they need their mother. It is you that has become the greatest of importance. And this is why I am struggling to wait. Despite I said I'd wait indefinitely, the absence of you in our lives is already amounting to that of an eternity.

I don't want to become hateful and bitter, or cold and dispassionate.  _All I want is you_. For you've become the one thing that has uplifted me and opened up a door to a whole new world. For you, Envy, has shown me that the world itself is not so miniscule and dark as its perception seems. That even as ugly as it becomes, there is still its own beauty. The proof is in our own binding. We abolished our differences and became one. Forgot about our own discontent and abhorrence and found a love all our own. A world we built just for us, and dwelled upon it. Those are the very memories I still hold dear and cherish, the very same that gives me some spark of hope that you will return to me and that everything I am feeling is only a brash rise in emotions. That I am fervent due to the void this deprivation of you in my life has caused and that all the worry and repentance is the breeding ground for my current demeanor. I just hope it all ends soon.

My wings furl to my bared spine. The brisk caress of the night rakes through my own flaxen tresses and for once, I can suddenly feel you within the squalls of the wind. The touch is so soft.  _So_ -  _So_  inviting. Almost as if your hand was actually gingerly ghosting my own cheek. Like velvet, your digits to my skin, my head leans into it. Yet, even as real as it seems, the feel is but like a message delivered in ghostly reprove. A silent reassurance that maybe I am only deceiving myself. That I've been denying myself beatitude for what I've concluded was only false repose and that I myself have been leading my own mind astray.

Those tears, the cascade of rivulets down those cheeks, the touch fading away and leaving me with that faded memory, yet a hushed response to my own lowered ears, I continue to await for the day you return. Despite I loathe thinking it will be almost never that you do. Something holds me back, and I am tied to its calling. The dismal aches within my own automail leg and arm;  _I barely realize it now as I focus solely upon you_  and the determination that may become newfound and ablaze. Such a drive escalating and forcing me onward, despite the trail may be littered with rose thorns, the cuts being left behind in the wake, I can't stop the phantom energy surging within my very own being. Maybe you're silently calling to me, and that is the other reason for my undaunted determination.

Even if this is so, I can't give up just yet.

_Hopefully I never do_.

But even emotions and the makeup of the mind is fickle. The thirst for eternal release isn't there as it once was, the craving for your recompense, is. And the notion of that, despite our distance, the connection we still share from this collar and bracelet, I can only pray you too, sense it. And in that, it drives you home.

My eyes gaze down at the golden ring that encircles my left finger and I remember the day you placed such a prized and venerate treasure upon it. The vows we made. The voiceless promises we made.  _Until death do us part_. Don't forget those spoken words we made to one another. The commitment we bequeathed ourselves to. Even those very words you uttered the last night we were together, the profession that you'd always be there, that'd you'd never leave me, that we'd always be one. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to be forgotten. You at my side are all I've ever needed - _nay_  - You is all I ever desired and needed.

Even as I wait, even as I slowly, weakly press on, I can only wait for you to come back to my arms and tell me that my anguish is finally over , that never again, I'd be put through such a devastating separation. Even as I try and not cry, my eyes now drying, I can only  _hope._

Until then, I will struggle through. For you, I will do anything.

Oh, Envy,  _how I miss you_. I just hope that you come back to me again, and that I will never have to be truly alone.

**Author's Note:**

> End notes:  
> Oi oi. I know. Another depressing fic. ): But at the moment, its all I've been able to come up with. More hard times, more negative emotions. These have been the easiest to write thus far. So don't kill me. :x
> 
> And yes. Envy is called, 'mommy' on the game I play by their childern. :O Long story. Sure it will only bore everyone. Haha
> 
> Anyway. Questions, comments? More reviews? All are welcome. Please critique me.
> 
> And a special thanks to everyone else whose read and reviewed my other stories. I apreciate everything you do. 3


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